Shrek 5: No Shrek Left Behind
by StupidSequel
Summary: Shrek did poorly on the statewide testing and as a result decided to protest the No Child Left Behind Act. One of my shortest fanfics. That's why the summary is so short. I also wanna avoid spoilers, but you prolly don't care anyway.


**Shrek 5: No Shrek Left Behind**

Shrek was in his 10th grade science class. He was learning about stoichiometry. His teacher, Mr. Gonzo, was a blue alien thing with a cashew shaped nose. He was preparing everyone for the CATS test that they would have to take l8r in the spring. Actually if he was learning it, then that means he didn't know it already, and if he didn't know it already, then that means he hadn't practiced, and that means he was not ideally prepared. He thought the teacher must have been high. _What's a limiting reactant? _He copied down the notes without even thinking about what he was writing. The teacher might as well have written 'Shrek is a boob head who can't get his fat ass off the couch ever and can't get a girlfriend because he apparently has never heard of deodorant.' It's true. Shrek hung his head in shame, for he was 34 in people years and he's never had a girlfriend. Shrek was thinking about his empty love life here when he was supposed to be reviewing for the CATS test, NOT learning.

"Any questions? You know that if you do so bad it's horrible on this test, your graduation thingie goes bye bye." Mr. Gonzo asked the class. Shrek raised his hand.

"Ummm, can you repeat the entirety of what you said since class began? I was daydreaming," Shrek requested. Graduating high school sounded good 2 him.

"NO!" Mr. Gonzo said in a manner exactly like Chuggaaconroy's epic no. "We have not enough time. If you'd like, I can set you up with a tutor and-"

"Doing stuff after school? Screw that, I'd rather risk doing worse than I could have. Right after school is my time to watch Pokemon on Cartoon Network on my flat screen. Right now is the Pokemon Black and White season and today's episode will feature Lillipup. He's so cute!" Shrek said.

So he rode the TARC home to his condo, where he lived alone and watched Pokemon Best Wishes on his flat screen, just as he promised. _No Child Left Behind my ass! Why should I have to take these stupid st&dardized tests?_

Every school day Shrek would go home instead of his tutoring sessions and go watch Pokemon Best Wishes. He lives in Kentucky. I call it Best Wishes. Black and White is retarded. Just the games should be called that IMO. As it is in the US, it's as uncreative as moving the Chang roller coaster to another park from Kentucky Kingdom to New Jersey and calling it Green Lantern instead of being creative for once and building a new one. Creativity is what makes the world go round.

"HEY, NARRATOR, CAN THE PLOT PLEASE ADVANCE?" Shrek asked me, the narrator. Oh, sorry. Didn't realize I was being off topic. "OR AM I GONNA HAVE TO ADVANCE THE PLOT MYSELF FOR ONCE WITHOUT YOUR HELP?" Umm, how would he do such a thing. I dare not think too deeply, so you win, Shrek.

It was almost time for the CATS test. Shrek didn't even have a clue what was gonna B on it. Shrek decided to get a little high by abusing marijuana. He was nowhere near ready for the CATS test (duh!). _I wish I could overthrow this Nazi regime they call the No Child Left Behind Act. _Part 1 was tomorrow. _I wanna go to sleep and never wake up._

Finally it was test time. Shrek brought a number 2 pencil. Specifically it was a mechanical pencil, so bubbling in answers would be a chore. He concentrated hard. Being high was somewhat of a hindrance, but he didn't think so. He thought he was doing really well. _This must be what college graduates feel like when they are magna cumlaude._

Every test day he brought his trusty mechanical pencil and he was a little high and he thought he was putting himself in the shoes of a magna cumlaude college graduate when he was actually only bubbling in next to the answer instead of on the appropriate circle. Speaking of circle, it's PI DAY! I will spare you the boring details of his sessions of testing.

Eventually Shrek got his results in the mail. Novice. He was utterly crushed. He got 0% of the answers correct. _That tears it! I've gotta get rid of the NCLB act, even if I have to follow in the footsteps of the Vietnamese Buddhist monks during the Vietnam war! _

Shrek marched to Washington D.C. and pumped some gasoline from a nearby gas station. All he had was a trillion dollar bill to pay for the gas. It was only exactly the right amount. He only pumped one gallon, distributed among three equal sized cups. He marched into downtown D.C., poured the gasoline on himself, lit the match, and set himself alight. There was a sign near him that said 'I am burning myself because the NCLB act exists and it is an abomination in the eyes of the Lord according to some verse in Ecclesiastes.' One of the insensitive onlookers joked that after all his skin is melted off, it could be put in a bucket and sent to Nickelodeon studios to be used as their trademark green slime.

The next day, the NCLB act hadn't budged. Shrek's protest did not work. He endured all that pain for nothing. On a more positive note, Nickelodeon has more viewers because Shrek's melted flesh is being used as green slime, so it's not totally a shoot the shaggy dog ending.


End file.
